I was going to fold this blog and just have the one…which is mainly porn but filled with odds and sods from this page….but Ive decided to use it as the ramblings of a middle aged (43) man.

I’m guessing no one will read it so I’ll be safe in putting whatever I feel on here and have the double whammy of it being a confidential diary AND a very boring, yet public blog.

I guess I feel like writing when I’m down and I’m a bit down today. So I’ll start from here and over the next few blogs, carry on with my life and also fill in my background and what brought me to be the man I am.

My overall status is one of numbness. I find it hard to get motivated in anything. I have no ambition to fill any goals. I have 3 boys who are all ready to leave the home (I hope). A wife who is… not terminally ill…not critically ill….whats the name for an illmess that is quite severe but not life threatening but which she will have for life. Anyway, its that kind of illness. All my future outpourings will be so insignificant, self indulgent and self centred compared to what she is and will go through.

BUT, I only feel what I feel and think what I think and this is what I will write. I’m not sure how brutal it will be or interesting to anyone other than myself but it will be honest. About time I start to stand up to myself.

I’ve started to try and get fit, lose weight and be more active. A few reasons. I’m feeling my age. I’m classed as morbidly obese. Although to look at me you wouldn’t class me as that. I get tired quickly and sweat far more than is normal. So those are the main things. I have a problem with my left heel and my right shoulder that I have been using as a reason to stay unfit for a couple of years but have now decided to try and ignore. I recently had blood tests on cholestral, diabetes and thyroid. All came back ok, so again no excuses for the way I’m feeling.

So, Ive been swimming and cycling as they are great ways to get fit and lose weight. and the bonus of low impact on my heel. Ive cycled 60 miles (although it nearly killed me) and I swim 100 lengths of my local 25 metre pool (1.5 miles) . So thats the standard I’m up to. I consider myself to be a lot fitter than I was but way, way short of being ‘fit’.

I signed up to the local swimming centre and now pay monthly, and I can now use the gym for free too. SO I asked a friend who is a bit of a fitness freak to come down and do a workout with me to show me the machines and methods.

That was Wednesday night (it’s now Friday) And I can hardly move. I feel like I have ruptured the lower, outer part of my biceps (unsure of the muscle) I can hardly raise my arms above shoulder height wwhich causes great pain (like severe cramp) when scratching my nose, talking on the phone or even putting my cycle helmet on.

I know it’ll calm over the next few days but it shocked me at how little I did compared to how much pain it caused me. A real eye opener to the state and age of my body. And its lack of elasticity and its ability to recover.

So, I’m feeling old, tired and unfit despite, for once in a long time, having some kind of energy push. It’s put me back a few months and I hope I can bounce back. I’m sure I will. I have a bike ride planned for tomorrow morning.

BUT, before then, I have apizza and a bottle of red wine with my name on them, ready to be consumed.

So here’s to a long and boring blog. Cheers x

p.s. I doubt I’ll ever be bothered to proof read these things so I’ll apologise in advance